An Open Letter: The undesired, yet desired sparkle

For so many years, you’ve been stereotyping all guys to mirror the absolute worst of the worst. When approached, you have pushed them away with a twinkle in your eyes and a smile that convinced both you and them that they were undesired – or …what this approach could potentially lead to was undesired. This, you have done in order not to get involved – no strings attached. You have done so in order for you to have no hindrances when following your hopes and dreams. You have done so because it was the only way to make sure not to compromise with yourself and your ambitions. In your head, this made perfectly sense – no strings attached. In your head, you have convinced yourself that this was what you wanted – that a love interest was undesired. Suddenly out of the blue, reality hits. Hard.

You’ve meet someone. There’s an obvious chemistry. Suddenly, you find yourself on a date – nervous and excited. A date with someone you really find interesting. Someone who appears to be real – honest with a good heart. Someone who treats you with respect and make you feel special. Someone who makes you feel absolutely comfortable in his company. For some reason, this is highly difficult for you to process. Truth is, you suddenly realize that you’ve been lying to yourself just because it was easier – no strings attached. Because with your hopes and dreams, you’ve convinced yourself that a man couldn’t fit in your life. Now, you realize maybe he can? Even though he might can’t? Who really knows… But maybe you owe it to yourself to at least give it a try… You’re confused…

Sparkle

When you deliberately have avoided anything related to romantic love for years, you become very skilled at ignoring and pushing it away. You, especially, become skilled at preventing it and making sure it doesn’t become part of your life. In the end, you convince yourself that it’s just easier – no strings attached, no problems, no hindrances for your hopes and dreams. When an interest then suddenly after years of this guarding of the heart appears and you for some reason can’t ignore it as you’re used to, you become very scared. What is supposed to feel like an adventure not only feels like this but also to a certain extent feels like an obstacle. The first response might be to push it away. You try. For some reason, though, you can’t… That’s when you get confused. How is it possible to escape reality – even if you know, you should just go with the flow? Because it’s not as if you don’t want it. It’s that you’re terrified. Absolutely terrified. Terrified of the whole thing. After years of rejecting love interests because it’s just easier – no strings attached, you become scared of getting rejected. In your heart, you hope that although this feeling is overwhelming and insecurity may come across as a result, he doesn’t withdraw. You become aware of the solid wall around your heart that you’ve actively been building for years has to break. Step-by-step. You’ve known for a while now that this could eventually happen and have started the breakdown of the wall yourself. You can’t break it yourself, though. You need help. His help…

With years of guarding, with years of building a wall around the heart and with years of ignoring the sparkle, it has been years of standing on your own. Although this is a part of yourself that you truly treasure, maybe it wouldn’t be terrible sharing your world, maybe it would be rather nice have someone there for you. Someone who cared. Someone who actually cared. That wall won’t be easy to break, though, and you just hope he, with your help, doesn’t give up when trying to break it, step-by-step.

The dating continues… Then you find yourself not knowing the next steps – and you hate it. At the same time, you know it’s the best thing that could happen to you because let’s face it, it’s not like the way you normally handle men in your life has proved to be bullet proof for the heart anyway. So maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe it’s actually not that scary. Maybe it’s not even going to end as you predict. And wouldn’t that be nice. Maybe you should just simply run with it – not thinking too much, just explore. Because isn’t that what you always preach – go explore!?

xo P!

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “An Open Letter: The undesired, yet desired sparkle

  1. Well to Tubularsock it appears that you either do the same-ol’-same-ol’ or you grow. Sounds like you have already made your choice so just get out of your own way!

    Love IS …….. it is up to us to make it work and it’s a bumpy road ….. forget the seatbelt!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know perfectly what you mean regarding ‘the years of rejecting’. For years I didn’t let it get to me, even though I’ve met girls/women that genuinely were nice persons, I wanted to find myself first and knowing what I wanted to do with my life.

    Not even that lang ago I had ‘that click’, where I was more and more myself and people started appreciating me for who I am and what I stand for. I don’t really believe (even though it’s not really the correct word) in dating. Somehow you put yourself under some unnecessary kind of pressure to make it work. By being yourself, by doing the things you love, sooner or later you’ll find that special person and it’s not going to be a date, it’s gonna be chapter one.

    I believe that when you meet the right person, you won’t be stressed or terrified by what could happen next. You’ll feel at ease, you’ll both have the brightest smiles on your faces and before you know it, you have found your soulmate. Let the travel begin 🙂

    Even though I don’t know you personally (I’m saying this purely based on your blog posts), you seem a very genuinely nice and cool person to be around with and talk to. Love will find you!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My advice: just live in the moment! Don’t worry too much about what will happen, what the outcome of all of this will be. Don’t be afraid. Whatever hits next, either beautiful or painful, it can’t fully break you. You’re obviously a strong person, but even us strong ones have to become soft sometimes to let the beauty into our lives.
    I totally know what’s going through your mind, though. After being hurt several times, I built that wall, too. When I met a guy who seemed perfect, I told myself he was too good to be true. But he was persistant – he wouldn’t let me go – and eventually I gave into that perfect, unconditional love. And it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Now, years later, he still completes my life – he supports everything I do, and makes things both better and easier. I couldn’t imagine life without him!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. this is really lovely. I completely feel you on this- on a subconscious level I think I’ve believed the only way to realize myself and follow my dreams was NSA, which caused me to fall in love but only with the wrong people, or not at all. and now, with a lot of my dreams having come true, the thrill of adventure alone in southeast asia or the caucasus seems a lot safer, and staler, than really getting intimate, and a little bit dependent, on another person. for me, the first and only serious relationship i’ve been in was with someone who probably wouldn’t have been able to join me on the dreams i’ve realized now, and consequently i’ve felt i had to have done everything i wanted to do and a man in my lfie would be a kind of coda. but yeah interdependence takes a lot of strength and hopefully the right person will support us in our dreams and we will ahve the satisfaction of sharing them and also helping someone else realize theirs.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s